How do you teach compassion to babies? You don't. You show it. Long before the baby understands any words, she understands touch.

Hands constitute the infant's first connection to the world. Hands pick the infant up, lay him down, wash, dress, and even feed him. What a different picture of the outside world an infant has when quiet, patient, careful, yet secure hands take care of him. How different the world must seem when these hands are impatient, rough, hasty, unquiet and nervous.
—- Emmi Pikler

The first experience of compassion infants can get is gentle, caring touch, which gives a strong message, especially when accompanied by eye contact and a soft tone of voice. The baby knows that she is cared about as she is being cared for.

Defining compassion

The dictionary gives several definitions for the word compassion, one of which is sympathy. My mentor and teacher, infant specialist Magda Gerber, taught her students to respect babies. She worried about giving babies sympathy, which she equated with pity. For example, have you ever said to a baby (or thought), "Oh, you poor little dear!" Magda used to say that sympathy puts you outside or above the baby who is on the receiving end of your sympathy; it's not respectful.

The thesaurus gives a broader view of compassion with such synonyms as kindness, concern, consideration, and care. I am using the word compassion to mean the ability to enter into another's emotional experience — or empathy, the word that Magda used. She taught her students to be aware of, sensitive to, and understanding of the feelings a child is demonstrating. That doesn't mean that you lose yourself in the baby's emotions — the baby keeps screaming and you come apart too! No, it means feeling what the baby is feeling, and at the same time supporting the baby by remaining calm, cool, and present.

Crying is communication

Magda was clear that adults have to put aside their own discomfort when a baby is expressing feelings and learn to read the message the baby is sending. She taught that crying, for example, is communication, and it's important to understand the message that's being conveyed. Is there a need to be met? Tuned-in caregivers can learn to read individual babies' different signals for feeling hungry, tired, or in pain. Sometimes the message is difficult to read. That's when the untrained caregiver, uncomfortable with the crying, may work hard to make it go away. Distraction is a common approach — get the baby's attention directed to something besides what they are feeling. Make faces, bounce the baby around, or bring out some super-toy.

As a child therapist, Magda saw a serious problem with adults manipulating babies' feelings because of their own discomfort. Babies can pick up the message that their feelings are not acceptable, which may eventually limit their range of expression. This kind of manipulation is misplaced compassion.

"Let's all just be happy" was my mother's motto when I was growing up. I learned early on that if I didn't want to upset my mother, I needed to 'put on a happy face' (as the expression goes) no matter what I was feeling. I'm still working on getting over that part of my early learning.

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